Mean Pt. 1: Bullying

I firmly believe that hate is taught. Children don't come into this world hating anyone or anything. How could that be? Yet just a few months or years down the road kids are choosing teams and picking on the weak and exhibiting a variety of other behavioral traits that aren't all that positive. So where does childhood meanness come from? Well, from all of us. Being mean is so easy and I know and believe that there is opposition in all things, so to be nice, someone, somewhere, sometime, somehow has to be mean.

Today I was at Goodwill in San Antonio. An older lady was talking to a cashier and this younger woman interrupted her and said, "Ma'am, there is a line here". The older woman responded curtly in reply and continued her conversation for a solid minute or two longer. When she finally left, the younger woman started talking to the cashier about the incident and said "I respect my elders, but she, she's just not all there", and made the classic cuckoo sign pointing at her head.

WHAT?

That's not respect! That's not kind or decent! That's mean. Of course by this time the old woman was long gone, so no harm done, right? WRONG!

Let's get personal. I remember in kindergarten a boy named Nick. Nick didn't have very many friends. He was always dressed in old tattered clothes. He didn't always smell so good. He yelled and picked fights. But we were there to egg him on and fight back and point out all his deficiencies. Now I don't remember any of us doing any one thing that was just awful and we weren't mean everyday. But it happened. At Christmas time Nick put a rock or stick in a snowball and threw it at another kid in my class. He missed, but when they found that he'd loaded the snowball to make it more dangerous, he was suspended. In kindergarten! Obviously he had escalated the situation and someone could have been seriously hurt. But he should not have been suspended, or at least not the only one.


In 4th Grade it was time for me to suffer brutal bullying. My mom was very involved in the school and had me audition for the school talent show. I sang a song from Disney's "Pinocchio". I wore a little hat and a big blue bow tie and was just the cutest thing you ever did see. :-\ The teasing was relentless. I was scared to go to lunch by myself. On the playground I was actually pushed and kicked to the ground. By this time it was mostly 5th and 6th graders reigning terror and my friends/peers were far from helpful in protecting me. No one else wanted to get pushed around and made fun of, so they backed off until the big kids left me alone. Now I had had the lessons where you should tell a teacher or an adult if someone hurts you or touches you or...well, you know the list. So I went to Ms. Jensen, a playground supervisor. She wasn't a teacher, but she was my bishop's wife. She repeatedly told me, "Well, I didn't see anything happen, so I can't do anything about it" or "You really shouldn't be a tattle-tell for every little thing that happens, kids play rough sometimes". And that was the end of the story. I even talked to my mom, but somehow, the pieces didn't connect for her. (A trait I would suffer the consequences of many more times before she passed away). Well, finally the school year ended and the big kids went to jr. high or at least took a break for the summer and found someone younger and weaker to pick on the next year. Problem solved.?!? (It's weird how writing this, I can so clearly picture everything as it happened).

Well, now, 15 years later, bullying and anti-bullying is all the rage. We see Karen Klein, 68 (she looks 90) (see how mean I am) a school bus monitor get bullied and berated. She becomes an Internet sensation and is given over a quarter of a million dollars, which she in turn, donates to programs striving to end bullying.  But those programs are aimed at the wrong population. In theory, we don't need to teach our children to stop bullying...we need to back up and teach ourselves to stop bullying. (I'll be getting into more of that in Mean Pt. 2). But bullying in affecting our society in a very negative way. Children, the elderly, the disabled, the "different" are being verbally, physically and emotionally assaulted. And we don't know what to do. Suspend the offenders, give money to the victims and educational campaigns, look the other way...and yet each year and each month, the problem seems to be getting worse.

I believe there are several factors that make this plague so difficult. First, GroupThink and mob mentality are so accessible and comfortable. It stands to reason and countless examples illustrate that while one person might not instigate a confrontation, give them a couple buddies with a little more fire and passion and the desire to be accepted, coupled with the beginning strands of anonymity, and you're rarin' to go. Second, we live in a society so built on competition and achievement that as a whole, it's hard to watch someone succeed without feeling jealous. To combat those feelings of inadequacies, we attack...and we can't attack the successful person (usually), so we find someone "different". And third, the examples we set for others speak so much louder and clearer than the words we say. How can we honestly expect to convince our youth that bullying is wrong when we do or say mean things every day? They watch us, heck, I watch us. I saw that lady today. I think eventually she realized I was eaves dropping, but she didn't stop, or apologize or change her behavior. She actually acted as if I must understand and be on "her side".

This really bothers me and I already have a full other post ready to peck out, but if you've made it this far, take a second and watch this video. Okay, now it's Taylor Swift, and I'm sorry about that, but this song is worth it.

World Suicide Prevention Day

Today, September 10, 2012 is World Suicide Prevention Day. My twitter feed was rather overwhelmed with 140 character statements of hope. But this does hold some very personal sway for me.

In 2007 I attempted suicide twice over the Thanksgiving holiday. My life was a wreck, you could check off every cliche in the book. Problems at home, family, school, friends, church, etc. etc. etc. I had just lost my grandpa and had a huge fight with my family. After hanging up, I called my friend and told him goodbye. I was about to get in my car and drive off...a cliff. Figuratively and perhaps literally. Luckily my friend intercepted me on my way out. This was after 11pm and within 15 minutes a crew of 6 or 7 friends gathered and stopped me and helped me get through the night. I was feeling better but still drained and on edge. Monday I went to work and was told for the second time in three days that I was an utter failure. Thankfully I had promised to call a good friend if I felt suicidal again. I called her up, she rushed from work, called the cops and took me to the hospital. I spent a week in in-patient psychiatric care on suicide watch. If you don't know what that means, you are locked in a small portion of the hospital. There is a rec. room and 6 or 8 bedrooms. They take EVERYTHING from you. They take your phone, your belt, your shoelaces, and more. You can't use the bathroom without permission and supervision though they do allow some privacy. You wake up and eat hospital food, participate in group therapy, meet with a doctor, work with volunteers, meet with a therapist, eat some more hospital food and watch a movie. You are given very limited communication with the outside world and you meet some incredible people dealing with all kinds of issues and disabilities.

It was the hardest week of my life, but also one of the best. I was able to finally relax. I felt safe. I felt protected and meeting others, especially one volunteer, I felt loved. When I was finally allowed and felt comfortable leaving, I realized that my life had to change.

There is a great campaign called The Trevor Project. It was created to offer hope for teenagers and others in the GLBTQ community, but really can and does stretch beyond hoping to help anyone contemplating suicide. They have a very aggressive YouTube campaign called "It Get's Better" where celebrities both straight and gay come together to talk about how life DOES get better and 'you' are important and others are impacted positively by your influence in their lives.

Spending time in the hospital helped to reset my emotional/mental strata. But, I wouldn't have been successful in the long run if I hadn't been blessed with friends who gathered around and continued to support me and love me. Personally it required a huge amount of self-control to avoid the traps and hazards I'd been letting myself fall into leading up to the attempts.

My life in the last 5 years hasn't always felt better. But for the first time, with my upcoming move to San Antonio, I really feel like life it getting better and I have a sustainable future in this world of ours. But you've gotta have faith. You can always change your mind about what you want to do with your life, but you can't change it once your dead.

If anyone is struggling, there are people that care for you. The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386. The Hope Line: 1-800-394-4673 or 1-800-273-8255. The Crisis Hotline (888) 333-2377.

I've been there. Other people have been there and we've made it out to see the light and you can too. Have hope, reach out, get help and stay alive.